The Magic of Television
by Kitkat286
Summary: 'Janes wants to burn innocent bystanders, Alec's a Friends-quoting Gleek, Marcus likes Katy Perry, and Aro wants to meet Voldemort... Oh no! Are the Volturi... bored? R&R'
1. Kittens and weather themed scars

**The Magic of Television**

It had been six whole months since the great "Cullen battle" (as everyone seemed to be calling it) and the Volturi where starting to get bored. But instead of finding people to rip to shreds they invested in a TV...

Alec and Jane where sitting staring out a window that viewed the street below. It was late evening but there was still a few people about.

Jane pointed at a fat man _attempting_ to jog, "Epic fail, can I burn him?"

Alec replied, "No."

Jane pointed at a woman who looked like she was drunk and was staggering down an alleyway. "Can I burn _her?"_

Alec once again replied, "No."

Jane looked down again, practically everyone had left by now, but Jane laughed and spoke again, "Can I burn _you?"_

Jane saw a glimpse of fear in his eyes but he bravely said, "I'd like to see you try!"

Alec dropped to the ground in pain, Jane threw her head back and laughed. But then Alec fought back.

"UGLY BABY JUDGES YOU!" He yelled.

Jane stopped and screamed, "NOT A FRIENDS QUOTE!" She ran to the door.

Alec chased after her with his fingers on his forehead in the shape of an "L" and went, "GLEEK, GLEEK, GLEEK!"

Jane screamed and as she passed Caius and Marcus in the main room she yelled, "Somebody help me!"

Caius just snorted and muttered, "Twins."

Alec closely followed singing Katy Perry's "Firework".

Marcus just said, "Oh! I just love that song!"

Caius replied, "Katy Perry? Is there something you would like to tell us?"

That shut him up.

***Twenty Minutes Later***

The three leaders of the Volturi sat there watching a DVD. It was called "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets".

"I _love _this; bring me the rest of the series!" Aro ordered the one of the guard.

***Eight DVDs later***

"BRING ME HARRY POTTER! I have a bone to pick with him..." Aro demanded.

"Uh... like the character or the person?" One of the guard asked cautiously.

"What did I say? Harry Potter!" He repeated.

The guard went and found a couple of his friends and explained the situation. Nobody wanted to anger Aro by telling him Harry Potter wasn't real. One of the smarter guards came up with an idea. "Why don't we just dress someone up?"

"Brilliant!"

So they dressed up a dark haired guard to look like Harry. With a little felt tip, a pair of glasses and a broom. The felt tip for the lightning bolt said, "permanent" but they didn't tell the fake harry that- they figured he would find out, and anyway, it was bound to fade in a few hundred years...

The guard "Harry" walked before Aro and stood waiting for his reaction.

"So, Harry," Aro began, "I have a couple of questions, First of all I'd like to quiz you about this 'screaming' thing you do in your first year at Hogwarts."

"What about it?" The Harry-vampire looked at his friends for support, only for them to mouth 'go with it'.

"For seeing a three headed dog you seemed pretty un-scared. I didn't see much enthusiasm... where you sleepwalking or something?" Aro continued.

"Harry" just stood there, unsure what to say. He hadn't watched Harry Potter before. He spent most of his time watching Dragon's Den...

"Never mind then. BRING ME VOLDEMORT! He seemed like the kind of chap who would be my friend." Aro stated.

"Harry" and his friends went back downstairs to discuss their options.

The palest of the friends, who kept getting glances from the others, was quick to say, "Sorry, but you aren't chopping off my hair, ears and nose just to look like the "Dark Lord."

The friends once again walked in front of Aro to present his request. Only it wasn't someone dressed up this time...

In the hands of the guard namely 'Patrick', was a fluffy little white kitten which they had named, the "Dark Lord"

Aro sat up, "So this is the one? The one who attempted to kill Harry Potter?" then he spoke directly to the kitten, "Don't worry, I have the same problem with the Cullens, so, what do you do when you are not causing a commotion?"

"Meow." said the dark lord.

Aro screamed, "GAH ITS SO SCARY! Dark Lord, teach me your secrets!"

The friends exchanged looks that said, 'yes, he really _has _lost it.'

"I declare everyone has to watch Harry Potter!" Aro said, holding his evil kitten.

"MEOW!"

**Please review :D and a huge thank-you to my beta and best friend, Nangelgirl923 :) Who always Edits my stuff without question.**


	2. Welcome to the Den

**Chapter 2.**

_Once again this has been edited by Nangelgirl923 (also known as BeingHannah923). What would I do without her? *round of applause* She is obviously a master beta._

_I tried to make this as funny as possible. Please let me know what you think and review!_

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><p><strong>Annoying Advert:<strong>

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"What shall we do today, Voldemort?" Aro said cheerfully to his kitten.

It replied with a simple "Meow".

"That is a great idea. I love that show! Anyway, it's only a matter of time until those Girl Guides come round with their brownies..."

Aro let out an evil laugh while Voldemort the kitten meowed again.

Caius, who heard this, turned around and whispered to Marcus, "Is he seriously talking to that cat?"

"I don't know," Marcus replied, "It's kind of cute. _Meow!" _

"Oh my word, I did _not_ just hear that." Caius muttered. Marcus flashed a rare grin. (Because being Marcus, he never smiled. Duh.)

"Join the fun Caius, join the _FUN! Meow..."_ Marcus said with an evil grin.

That was it. Caius ran for the door. Hoping the loonies wouldn't follow him, he fled to his room and watched Spongebob Squarepants reruns. (His favourite character was Squidward. He related to him- surrounded by loonies with no escape.)

Marcus went up to Aro and asked, "Can I pet Voldemort?"

Aro replied, "_Pet? _He is a _Dark Lord. _If you want the honour, I will let him _scratch_ you but _pet?_ The only person that even gets to hold little Voldy is ME!"

The doorbell rang. It was the Girl Guides trying to sell 'tasty treats' that no one here would eat but would buy anyway because every single member of the Volturi was scared of their wrath...

"Jane! Let them in..."

Jane was shocked, "But _why, _Master?"

Aro laughed, "Dear one, haven't you ever seen Dragon's Den?"

The look on Jane's face darkened and she giggled, "Of course, Master."

***10 minutes later***

The two Girl guides stood in the throne room, in front of an audience of around twenty members of the Volturi, five of which had their own chair and were frequently asking questions. One looked like she was in shock and kept muttering, "This is just like Dragon's Den, have I died? Beth, this looks like Dragon's Den!"

Obviously a new girl. The older of the two was tougher and answered with things like, "A box of five brownies for seven ninety-five," and, "We aren't in the position to haggle."

After asking every possible question in the whole universe that could possibly even relate to brownies, Jane stood up.

"I _would _buy your brownies," Jane said sweetly.

"Really?" The older girl asked hopefully.

"No," Jane laughed evilly.

The two girls fled the room then, throwing brownies at Jane as they went.

"NO! NOT MY HAIR! Do you even know hard it is to get shampoo that removes chocolate?" Jane screamed.

Alec almost laughed, and then thought better of it. But he managed to build up the courage to mutter, "Gleek..."

Jane screamed and ran off.

"What the Spongebob happened here?" Caius shrieked, coming out of his room at last. "World War Three? Attack of the sludge? Girl Guide Brownie bombs?"

"Bingo!" Alec said, the others muttered their agreement.

"You are the most insane people I have ever met, you should-" He began to lecturing. Everyone else in the room exchanged glances.

"Werewolf!" Someone yelled.

Caius flung himself out the window.

"Meow!"

"I agree Voldy; that was bound to happen sometime..." Aro replied.

"I heard that!" Caius yelled from below.

"Meow." **(Translation: Whatever).**

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><p><em>If I get ten reviews in total I may start a third chapter. <em>

_Love it? Hate it? Review anyway. Please!_


	3. PINK!

_**Chapter 3 – Magic of Television**_

**Thanks to my Awesome Beta BeingHannah923! Check out her writing! And I love the reviews I have got for this story so far! Thank you!**

"What happened!" Aro exclaimed, only just back from his trip out- he had only been away three days. The worst that could have happened was HQ would be burned down. It wouldn't be the first time Jane's obsession with fire got a little out of hand- but _this?_

After a long silence it was the twins that spoke up.

"Well, while you were gone..." Jane started slowly.

"...Things got a little..." Alec continued.

"Out of hand!" Aro yelled, finishing their sentence. The silence was back.

"Uh, yeah, but it was mostly... _their_ fault," Jane spoke up, pointing a finger in the direction of everyone else. "Me and my brother were just innocent bystanders."

Jane pulled off this "butter would melt in my mouth" cute face that only a twelve year old could pull off. Alec was _supposed _to join in but he couldn't stop laughing. _Innocent bystander? _Jane?

**Well this is the story how Voldemort the cat... got turned _PINK!_**

_**Meow**_

"Don't spill it, _do not _spill it!" Marcus was muttering as he was _very slowly_ making his way across the room with a full-to-the-very-top cup of coffee- which was insane. Since when did a vampire need caffeine to help stay up all night? Not to mention his lack of balance issues; it wouldn't take a HUMAN _three days_ to make it across the room. Some had come to watch him, cheering things like "Team Coffee!" or "Team Marcus!" or, the most bizarrely of all, was the group at the back yelling "Team Switzerland!" and had t-shirts with Kristen Stewart on them- who looked very familiar...

"OH MY WORD IS THAT THE SUPER CHOCKY-WOCKY-HYPER-CAFFINE DELUXE FROM ON TV?" Jane screamed.

"Huh?" Marcus lost concentration for one minute and didn't see the sleeping cat he was about to step on! What would he do?

**Meanwhile**

"Keep your voice down! You know we hear things twenty times louder than humans!" Alec yelled.

"Hey, isn't that dogs? OMW do you know what would be great? A DOG!" Jane said excitedly.

"Please, can we stay on subject?"

"Oh yeah- I saw it in that advert with the talking unicorns that drunk the coffee and they went up in flames! Yeah, FLAMES!"

"Jane what are you talking about- it was probably you who set it on fire!"

"Hey! I feel sympathy for all-"she thought for a moment (one mustn't tell lies!) – "Er... animalistic creatures!"

"So what happened with the unicorns?"

Jane sniffed, "They were cold from living in Alaska."

_(Remember that Hannah?)_

**Meanwhile in the Big Brother house **

**(LOL not really)**

"No!"

Everything happened at once.

The coffee went flying.

Loyal fans dived trying to save it.

Someone stepped on Voldy's tail.

"MEOW!" (Translation; YOU WILL DIE!)

"Awh, cute kitty!" said a random person that doesn't have a name but will from here on be called Phil.

The coffee landed on Voldemort.

The good news was that they didn't have to mop up the coffee. The bad news was Voldy was now a muggy tea colour, despite the fact it was coffee that was spilled. How did that happen? Who knew? Better news is that the coffee had gone cold; the worst news is that Aro definitely wouldn't be happy. (No one was allowed near little Voldy but him, _duh._) The _best_ news was that it's a two for one sale at Tesco!

"Haha, you are _so_ dead!" Jane laughed evilly, falling over and practically rolling on the floor with laughter, despite the fact that vampires don't fall over, or willingly roll on the floor.

"Oh well- soap will fix it!" the other vampire said cheerfully.

**It didn't.**

"I could just dye his fur white again..."

"_Me-ow!"_

***Meanwhile***

"I dare you to swap the dyes around!" Jane said, her red eyes lighting up.

"Do it yourself." Alec replied boredly, distracted by his latest Katy Perry poster.

"I _double dub_ _dare_ you." When Alec didn't react, or move his eyes from staring lovingly at the poster, she added, "-and if you don't, I will dye your hair pink while you're sleeping!"

"Uh huh? Yeah I'm _sure_..."

***Later***

"He's PINK!" Marcus exclaimed. Vampires within hearing range weren't quite sure whether he was amused or shocked. Or both.

"MEOW!" (Translation: *sarcastically* You think?)

Cue Aro to storm in at that very moment in a very dramatic fashion.

**Magic/of/Television**

"So as you can see... It was all his fault!" Jane accused her brother, pointing wildly.

"Apparently." Alec shrugged. As long as he could keep his Katy Perry CD...

"Alec..." Jane waited in bated breath. "Well done- I love it!" Aro beamed

"...What?" Jane and Alec exclaimed together.

*Meow Slap* (Translation: face-paw.)

**Please Review! Did you like it do you hate it? Tell me what you think! Thanks for reading!**

(Oh and a special thank you to those who have reviewed already- THANK YOU!)


	4. Front Page News

_The Magic of Television!_

**I have got 11 reviews in total! THANK YOU SO MUCH! And thanks to my lovely beta BeingHannah923! THANK YOU! And enjoy... :D**

Chapter Four

"And here we are, _live, _from outside this mysterious building with Caius, Marcus and Aro!" The female reporter said, with a little too much enthusiasm. "Now Marcus, today is St. Marcus Day, and since your name is Marcus too-" She started to giggle annoyingly. "I will ask you- if you could speak to old St. Marcus 100 years back, what would you say?" Marcus blinked slowly, thinking.

"Exactly one hundred years?" He looked at his watch, and it read '3pm' "I'd say, Carlisle is coming round at exactly 6pm, so get a move on and change out of those rubber ducky pyjamas! Oh and I would also say; 'DONT EAT CAIUS' CHOCOLATE COOKIES! He will kill you! Not to mention the serious indigestion those cookies caused me... uh I mean you... no wait us- whatever- just don't! It's not worth it mate!'" He yelled, eyes going a little out of focus.

The reported moved on, "What about you Caius?" She asked.

"YOU ATE MY SPECIAL CHOCOLATE COOKIES? YOU DON'T EVEN EAT COOKIES!" he yelled.

"And Aro?" She continued, completely unfazed. She just kept smiling and nodding. Did she have a mental iPod? Either that or she was _very_ good at her job.

"Well done Marcus, these people have fallen for your prank, even one hundred years on." Aro said thoughtfully, "good work old chap." **(Because suddenly he turned British!)**

"Well wasn't that interesting? In other news-" The reporter began.

"Hey look people! I SPARKLE!" Edward magically appeared and threw himself at the lighter side of the street. Sadly for the reporter, all they got on camera was Robert Patterson with his shirt off being hauled away by the three brothers.

"Excuse him, he occasionally gets delusional-"Aro explained to the camera, "-_he thinks he is a disco ball" _he added in a low voice.

A few mutters of agreement and understanding came from the crowd.

"No! Edward! Don't walk into the light!" An angry Bella came rushing and screaming past the crowd, spraying everyone with icky fountain water, "Out of the way people! I'm the only one who can save Edward!"

Then she saw... Edward being saved.

For a minute Bella wondered. Had she grown three feet, got grey hair, and gotten red contacts? Then she laughed like the bright spark she was. "Ha, ha, of course not! I'm right here!"

"Now excuse us as we drag Edward and Bella into Volturi HQ." Aro said, then muttered to Marcus and Caius, "Alice will probably appear from the shadows at some point. We can get Four Star pizza first, pretend to eat it, then beat Edward up so the girls can save him? Deal?"

"Good plan,"

The reporter shrieked, then gushed "Oh my! A pink sparkly cat! How _adorable! _Quickly someone take a picture! Oh and get an exclusive interview! This is totally front-page news!"

"_Meow!"_

**Please keep reviewing! Love it? Hate it? Tell me what you think? Thank you for those who have already reviewed! **


	5. Voldemort's Revenge

_The magic of television_

**I HAVE GOTTEN 15 REVIEWS SO FAR! I love them all! Thank you all so much! I have written this as an early Christmas present to you all! Thanks to my lovely beta BeingHannah923! And my lovely reviewers! And sadly no I don't own Twilight. Enjoy!**

**Side note: This is in Voldemort's point of view by the way! I thought it would make it more interesting xD Well, we'll see...**

**VPOV**

"Here kitty, kitty!"

Jane was standing in front of me. I hissed. Duh- if I was kitty anything, then I was the _Dark Kitty_. Get it right.

"Do you want some revenge on these people? I mean- the t-shirts? Surely that scratched your fluffy _pink_ ego?" Jane taunted, a smirk on her little girly face.

I hissed again. Recently, in addition to the popular "Team Coffee," t-shirts, there has been a severe outbreak of "I'm in the Pink Kitty Army!" and "I'm pink, fluffy and cuddly, what's your excuse?" t-shirts. Even worse, they were all plastered with pictures of- you guessed it- _me_.

I hated it. I was a _Dark Lord_, for meowing out loud! Dark Lords shouldn't be pink, they should be white! Or, at the very least – a very dark fuchsia.

"All I need is you, a webcam and a good friend of mine I like to call _YouTube._" Jane whispered.

"Meow?"

Her evil grin told me she wasn't kidding.

"Meow."

"Excellent."

**Voldemort's Revenge**

I had a very tiny camera attached to my collar that Jane had wired up so it streamed live onto YouTube. It seemed like the perfect plan. My boring days as a cat were over! It was about to get interesting. I mean, that fluffy feather thing I like to play with _is _pretty interesting.

"Okay, let's do Alec first," she whispered, opening his door just wide enough for me to sneak in.

Alec was singing the chorus to "California Gurls" by Katy Perry, in a very loud, very off key voice. Even I, a humble cat, found very disturbing.

"California girls, we're unforgettable..." He sang, going very out of tune.

Did I mention the dance moves?

"...bikinis on top! Sun kissed skin, so hot..."

Jane's laughter erupted at that point, interrupting Alec's, well _beautiful _(If you stretch the meaning a little... or maybe a lot) singing.

Alec heard and turned round, spotting me. I made a run for it but he leapt for the door, and revealed behind it, Jane, rolling around on the floor laughing- quite literally.

"What!" he froze, eyeing up _his _laptop that was next to Jane (wrapped in a Glee design, of course... The latest in the range of "keep your glee hating, sister away from your stuff" technology!) He also eyed up the rubber gloves Jane was wearing.

Maybe Jane really did go up in flames at the touch of a glee object. Interesting.

"You didn't!" Alec seemed astonished. Jane continued to laugh.

"Oh my word, you DID! DELETE IT! NOW!" He screamed..

"Too... late," Jane managed between giggles, "Live entertainment!"

Alec growled.

I hissed.

Jane defended herself, "Oh come on, it was totally _Dark Kitty's_ idea! You gotta believe me!" She added on an extra lie, "You truly are a good singer, Alec! So let's get some of the others, huh?" She smiled hopefully.

"If you weren't my sister, Aro's favourite, and the resident torturer in every sense of the profession, I, and many others, would have murdered you a long, long time ago."

"Aww, I sort of love you too! You know you're my favourite brother!"

"You're _such_ a suck up."

"Shut it, California girl!"

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**Love it? Hate it! Review! **

**BeingHannah923: Or else... we'll send Voldy after you!**


	6. Voldemorts Revenge Part 2

**Hello Again!**

**Ever wanted to see Caius prance around like a ballerina to the sound of a barking dog? Ever wanted to hear Aro sing a happy song? Well then this week is your week!**

**This chapter is dedicated to all the lovely people who has put this story in their favourites, story alert or posted one of my 17 lovely reviews. Every time I get a review it makes my day! I have a Christmas story planned out so I need to write this chapter quickly... I will hopefully have a funny adventure posted on Sunday! Thanks to my beta (BeingHannah923)-free advertising- check out her Sonny With a Chance Story Don't I Know You?- you'll be hooked into the plotline! And to my reviewers; please enjoy!**

**Voldemort's Revenge- Part two!**

"_Sonny, will you go out with me?"_

"WHAT?" Caius screamed. He was about to have a heart attack- Chad asked Sonny out! Hyperventilate!

**(Hannah, my beta is currently hyperventilating over the amount of exclamation marks that have appeared in the past two lines!**

**Hannah: Got that right. *removes at least three*)**

"Chad and Sonny are mortal enemies! They can't date! What will So Random! say? What will MacKenzie Falls say?" he said to himself. He was watching Sonny With A Chance- the "Falling for the Falls" episode, in fact! Now he was hooked on the Disney show- he was slowly working his way through the episodes.

Jane sniggered as she watched him through the crack of the door. "How old is he? Four hundred plus years? He's acting like a teenage girl... which unlike me- a two hundred something, still beautiful twelve year old- what was I talking about again?" She said to Voldemort, who had the cat equivalent of a raised eyebrow.

"Meow." _(*sarcasm* you're so modest!)_

"I saw this on NCIS... is the camera ready?"

"Meow."

"Good, now go look cute!" Jane shoved poor Voldy into Caius room, which to his disgust, smelled like three hundred year old smelly socks.

Jane got out her iPod, (which had a cover which read – "Burn, baby, burn!") and played the track labelled 'When Dogs Attack'.

"WOOF!"

"WEREWOLF!" Caius started screaming and leaping around the room, looking for some of that crazy silver bling he bought on a whim in the sixties.

The loud growling and woofing continued to blast out of Jane's iPod. And Caius continued to prance around, running from the non-existent canine.

"He kind of looks like a ballerina... we could probably just leave the camera and iPod running... if he hasn't figured out there's no werewolf now after ten minutes he probably never will." Jane mused.

"Meow." (LOL!)

A high pitched squeal came from inside the room, "Save me, Voldy!"

"Meow." (Not today!)

"Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow. Meow."

And so they left Caius dancing like a ballerina to the sound of a barking dog to go torture some other members of the Volturi for entertainment...

**-To be continued-**

**...**

**-Immediately-**

_***For those who don't know, Didyme was Aro's sister who had the ability of making people happy. Aro killed her when Marcus and Didyme fell in love and they had plans to leave the Volturi. Very drastic action, just to get him to stay, don't you think? He could have just asked...***_

Aro was sitting on his throne. He does this every day, all day, all night. It used to be boring. Until he got his TV. Then the others stole it. Then it became boring again. So he continued to be bored again, and sat, and waited for the Tesco van to arrive. (Which took a very long time since he was always ordering from the UK site).

_"If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands..."_ Jane, hiding behind the curtain started to sing.

Aro's eyes widened. He looked around... seeing just an empty room.

_"If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands..."_

"Didyme used to sing that..." Aro winced, "It really did catch on..."

"_If you're happy and you know it and you really want to show it..."_

"Didyme- have you come back to haunt me?"

Jane made some general Hollywood ghost noises from behind the curtain, along with some very un-ghostly snorting noises.

"I'm sorry Didyme- I didn't _mean _to murder you. It was... essential."

Jane made some more ghost noises, _"If you are really sorry- you will sing my favourite song on the top of your lungs while parading around the building!"_

"As you wish," Aro took a deep breath, "IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP YOUR HANDS!" *CLAP* *CLAP* "IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT CLAP YOUR HANDS!"

It was at this point Alec came back from the shop. He looked to his right, and saw Caius, acting like he was auditioning for the vampire addition of Swan Lake, and to his left he saw his 'superior' leader acting like a three year old having a musical temper tantrum.

"I leave for ten minutes" he said under his breath.

"IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT AND YOU REALLY WANNA SHOW IT CLAP YOUR HANDS!"

Meow.

**Did you like it? I really hope you did! A Christmas Chapter coming right up on Sunday HOPEFULLY.**

**Please keep reviewing! The more reviews I get- the more chapters released!**

**BYE! *waves***


	7. A Very Merry Sparkly Christmas!

A very merry sparkly Christmas.

**I should probably start by apologising- I'm so sorry! Please forgive me for not updating in so long... a year *cringes* is despicable of me. But I had run out of all good ideas and I didn't want to ruin it. However, here I am – with the long awaited for Christmas special! Hurray? Lets find out.**

**P.S. I do not own any of the characters. Don't be silly. **

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><p>"That's it, the twins are grounded!" screamed Caius, "I've had enough of this."<p>

He marched to his room and slammed the door. Very mature.

"Oh, what did they do now?" Aro sighed half-heartedly, bored to death as usual.

"Caius took Jane and Alec to see Santa in town. Apparently they weren't to happy when Old St. Nick handed them a selection box rather than one of those cool toys you used to get."

"Temper tantrum?"

"No... they held him hostage and the pair had to be escorted out by six elves and a policeman."

"Ah. Nothing out of the ordinary, then- so what on_ earth_ is wrong with dear Caius then?"

"They made him dress up as one of the elves for an hour to pay the damages to the set." Marcus snorted and turned on the TV.

'_BREAKING NEWS- In Voltura, Italy a young girl and boy were asked to leave after assaulting Santa over a free present that they didn't like. Social workers and police have blamed the incident on poor parenting by this man who is believed to be their father.' _

Just then a video of Caius dancing round in a ridiculous elf outfit appeared. A female reporter approached him.

'"_Sir, what do you have to say about your children's appalling behaviour?" The woman asked, standing far closer to Caius than would strictly be considered wise._

"_They are not my children!" He screamed._

"_So you've disowned them then?" She inquired._

"_I cannot stand them- I only took them to town because they were in the boot of my fancy sports car."_

_A look of horror flashed across the interviewers face._

_Caius backtracked, "Wait- You misunderstand; I didn't put them there; I mean they were hiding- and they're not children, they're over a hundred- I mean, old enough to know what they're doing-" He stumbled to find a reasonable excuse to dig him out of this hole._

The clip ended.

'_Shortly after this footage was taken, the man disappeared. The authories have searched the area thoroughly but no trace of him has been found. _

_Santa's Grotto say that, "Instead of court charges, we asked him to work to pay of the debt. {Also we thought it was funny} and we are asking if anyone can identify him please alert the police by calling this number.'_

**Somewhere in the Amazon Jungle...**

Three vampires sat shocked round a small solar powered TV.

"Quickly, someone call that number!" yelled Zafrina.

"We don't have a phone." said Senna, sadly. The three sighed in disappointment.

Zafrina muttered angrily to herself.

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><p>"Don't Worry Caius," said Marcus, "I'm sure Santa will bring you <em>lots<em> of coal."

"Being helpful as always, I see." muttered Caius, not impressed. Everyone knew what he really wanted was Katy Perry: Part of Me 3D on blu-ray disc. "As the price of coal goes up, it always surprises me how people always burn their presents instead of selling them." He mumbled and wandered off.

Could a sinister plot be forming here?

"Did someone say burn?," A high pitched voice chimed.

"NO!"

Aro rushed in, red eyes wild. "HAS ANYONE SEEN VOLTI?" He threw Caius out of the way. "VOLTI, MY SWEET KITTEN, COME BAAAACK!"

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><p><strong>Somewhere in the south of Ireland<strong>

"You'll love your Christmas present this year!" said Liam, "I spent a fortune on it."

"Lies," Maggie muttered under her breath. He got it wrong, every. Single. Year.

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><p>A gaggle of humans gathered around a sweet, pink fluffy kitten. A small girl pouted at her parents, and so they caved and took the kitten home. The little girl dressed him to her heart's content. The next morning the girl was distraught to discover the kitten had escaped.<p>

However, he didn't go unnoticed...

"Aw, look at his cute little antlers!"

"Isn't he so _sweet_?"

"Someone take a picture, quick!"

"_MEOW!" _The kitten screeched, trying and failing to get away. _Translation: Bah hum bug. Volti is not amused. You will regret this, muggles._

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><p><strong>Who knew one meow meant so much?<strong>

**So thanks to my lovely beta, hope for eternity (Hannah), who made sure this made sense! :)**

**And if you didn't already know;**

**The Amazon vamps hate the Volturi, having once been the unofficial rulers of the sparkly vamp world before they came along.**

**Maggie can tell whether someone is telling the truth.**

**Maybe this made things clearer?**

**Hope you all have a happy holidays.**

_**Please review? It is Christmas. :D**_

**-Kat.**


	8. Batman & Aro

**8. Batman and Aro**

**Guess what guys? *drum roll* A new chapter! YAY! So enjoy. :D**

**I don't own any characters etc. Except Patrick. **

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><p><em>A notice was posted on the door addressed to all members of the Volturi;<em>

Dear muppets who I employ,

Shut up! Point made?

Therefore the "meh na meh na" song is completely and utterly banned!

You have been warned: I mean it!

-Aro

Ps. That means you too Jane.

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><p>"I have news for you Master," Jane said in her favourite morbid tone, "It would seem news of your...greatness, has got out and they have made a chocolate bar in your honour. They call it-" she paused dramatically. "AERO BUBBLES!"<p>

Alec burst out laughing. Jane kicked him, maybe a little too hard and he fell over, still laughing.

"Silence! How_ dare_ you call me a bubble?! This is very out of character for you, Alec, usually you show a bit more self preservation. Any way, consider yourself grounded. _TWO WEEKS IN THE TOWER WITH THE WIVES_!" Aro pulled a gavel out of his his cloak pocket, and banged it on the table. Alec shuddered.

"No, not the Wives' Tower!" He shouted, as two large guards began to drag him out of the room, "all they ever do is watch Desperate Housewives and Eastenders reruns!"

"Why do you think we keep them there?" Caius mumbled darkly, cheerful as usual.

"NO!" Alec shrieked. "No, I'll miss Glee! I need to know what happens! I NEED KLAINE!" His protests were ignored as the guards continued to drag him away.

Jane slipped out of the room, quickly forming a plan. Maybe the Aero incident would be forgotten quickly and she could break him out later. Just maybe...

**[I'd like to point out how weird I think it is that Stephenie Meyer locked these people in a tower for three and two thirds of the books, but whatever, I can roll.]**

They dragged poor Alec down what seemed like an endless, twisting underground corridor. It was quite a trip. After about thirty minutes, he pulled out his iPod.

"Do you mind?"He asked. They pulled it out of his hands. Alec sulked.

The guards only stopped once. "Hey is that my shoe, you know the one I lost last year?" asked Corin, [also known as Guard #1] hopefully.

"Did it squeak and have a tail?" replied Felix sarcastically. He was Guard #2.

"I don't think so..." For a species with a supposedly eidetic memory, Corin was awfully forgetful. Felix scoffed.

"Then that's a_ rat_, keep moving." Felix sighed. He always ended up with these stupid jobs.

***40 minutes later***

"_Baby, you're a fiiirrreeework!"_ Alec sang. He didn't need his iPod, anyway. He had the voice of an angel, obviously.

"We're here," Felix huffed as he shoved him into the main room. It was nicely decorated, yet very old fashioned. Except for a modern fish tank near the doorway. Alec peered inside. No fish, curious.

"Good luck, kid, you're going to need it," Corin handed him back his iPod as a sign of manly support, then slapped him on the back encouragingly.

Unfortunately, this caused Alec's iPod to fly into the water, making a very impressive firework display.

Alec just stared in shock. His precious Katy Perry...

And it only got worse from there.

***Meanwhile***

"How have I not heard of this before?" Aro said between laughter.

"Because we only got a TV recently. When they first came out Marcus was all like, 'TV's are evil-they will steal our souls!'" Caius explained, putting on a squeaky voice for effect.

Aro chuckled, "Oh Marcus had his funny ways before I killed- I mean my sister died. Remember that afro wig he used to wear? Just to blend in with those humans. Anyhow, Batman 1966 is hilarious. And how on_ earth_ did Catwoman run in those heels?"

"Ha, simple." Marcus said. Aro raised an eyebrow. "Wait, I mean, Jane says it's easy!" Marcus stuttered.

"I just had a marvellous idea; a contest! Go find the others. _Now._"

***At the so called 'tower'***

"Welcome to Athenodora and Sulpicia's; may I help you?"

Jane stared at the cheery woman. Her name tag was so long! "I've come to collect Alec," She said awkwardly. '_All those episodes off supernatural put me way off schedule.' _She thought_. 'Felix told me to collect him a week ago.'_

"Oh, that's fine- did you enjoy your holiday? What breed is he?"

"Uh, sorry?" Jane was puzzled.

"Collie, terrier, lab- oh; you're looking for _the_ Alec. Sorry," Athenodora became flustered, "We keep a kennel here too. It's why we never get out; it keeps us _ever _so busy." She paused, then horror flashed across her face, "Oh no!" She began to apologise.

_What now? _Jane thought to herself. She didn't trust people who were so cheerful when they hadn't fed in weeks.

"We've been so busy- we forgot to let him out of his room the entire time! Follow me, please." She rushed down a corridor were a symphony of barking could be heard before apologising and turning round again, "wrong corridor," she hurried down the opposite, more quiet, wing.

Athenodora **[oh why did I choose the long name?] **frantically patted down her pockets before producing a key and then dropping it several times. As you do.

***When the door finally gets unlocked***

In the middle of the room sat an obviously traumatised child. His eyes were wide and he was rocking back and forth to the theme tune of yet _another_ episode of Eastenders. In the background, someone called Janine pushed someone off a cliff. Alec thinks Janine may have been a vampire.

"I've never been so happy to see your scowl, sis." He ran up and hugged his twin, "It was terrible- they locked me in this room with _ugly wallpaper_, the TV was on repeat, I tried to turn it over but it was _pin protected_! Who does that?" He wailed.

"Aw, it's okay! We'll go back to the main building and you can do my homework for me." Jane suggested, seizing the opportunity as she saw it. Nothing got Alec more crazed then Glee-deprivation and prolonged exposure to British soap operas.

"Anything!"

Jane turned to the still distressed, Athenodora. "How much do I owe you?"

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><p><em>Upon re-entering the throne room the twins got quite a shock.<em>

_Aro, Caius, Marcus, Demetri and Patrick were racing around a home made race track at not-so-vampire-speed; in five pairs of sparkly six inch high heels no less. They were all hopeless. Not even Patrick's drawn on lightning bolt gave him any help. _

_All hopeless... except for Marcus. _

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><p><strong>THANKS TO MY BETA hope for eternity! *applause* WHOOT!<strong>

**As a side note, thank goodness for the coven list at the back of Breaking Dawn. I would've been lost without it. (My beta says she would have been, too.)**

**AND THANK YOU FOR ALL THE AWSOME REVIEWS! THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY :D**

**UNTIL NEXT TIME...**

**-Kat**

**Ps. The 1966 version of Batman is downright ridiculous. Like the modern versions, only sillier! Therefore perfect for this story! Just so you know. ;)**


	9. That's Super Normal

**That's super normal.**

**Hi, everyone. How are you all? Having a good day I hope. **** Sorry it took so long to update. **

It was that time of the decade again. Every ten years Carlisle would try to persuade Aro and crew to switch to vegetarianism. As you can imagine, it never went down too well.

"So are you absolutely, positively, sure there is nothing I can do to convince you to change your ways?" Carlisle gave a sad pleading look. Deep down he knew it was pointless; but due to his kind nature he felt obliged to make the long trip to Italy. It was also the only time he could wear his eco-friendly, 'Save the human! Humans are friends, not food!' t-shirt Edward got him in the Christmas of 1962.

"Yes." The Volturi gathering said in complete unison. The majority were bored, a few were annoyed, and they were all missing Supernatural. Volti sat grooming himself in the corner. Nobody enjoyed Carlisle's visits; he was like one of those phone sales people who never go away. Ever.

Unfortunately, there was one member who was not so calm.

"Are you _sure?_" Carlisle asked. He had figured- one last try, and then he could call it a day. Alas, it was not to be so.

Alec was the one who snapped. Nearly frothing at the mouth, he leapt from his chair."THIS IS THE PART OF ME!" He sang shrilly, breaking out into Katy Perry trademarked dance moves. "YOU CAN NEVER, GONNA EVER TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!"

Patrick and a few others started to join in as his backup dancers, ala High School Musical. Carlisle stared in horror. They had lost it completely! They were insane!

(He had to admit their dancing was brilliant as they were totally in time with each other as they threw him into the elevator.)

"NOW LOOK AT ME, I'M SPARKLING!" He could hear Aro join in as the doors closed.

"They truly have lost it," Carlisle muttered to himself, as he reached the ground floor. The steel doors opened, revealing a large crowd of humans- some of whom were taking pictures- and the famous tour guide, Heidi. The girl had the gift of persuasion- no one has _ever_ turned down one of her _dinner party_ invites.

Carlisle tutted and made his exit. Despicable; the Volturi were shameless.

-Magic – Of – Television -

"...and to your left you will see the owners of this fine establishment; Aro, Caius, Marcus and their wives, whose names are never actually mentioned in this tour because they only appear occasionally and nobody can remember all the syllables." Heidi explained enthusiastically with a smile. Deep down she was cringing, because Jane had lent them her new DVDs. "Yes, I'm talking about the five unmoving statues on the sofa with the TV." She winked at them. That got a few laughs. (They _always_ laughed.)

"Could you excuse me for a moment? Feel free to look around or take pictures, but don't go near any statues you think resemble someone from the paintings in the corridor outside, thank you." Heidi announced, glaring at a motionless Alec and Jane standing in the corner. Every. Single. Time. What had their mother said about playing with food? Get an Xbox, don't pretend to be artwork!

As the crowd dispersed to other parts of the wide room she made her way over to stand beside Aro.

"Eh-hem," She cleared her throat, looking for attention. Nothing. She tapped his shoulder, but that didn't work either. With a sigh, she went to stand in front of the TV. There was a crunch as she put her foot down. She glanced down to see that the floor was covered in DVDs. Volti sat in an empty DVD box-set case that read "Supernatural, series 1-8" on the side.

Finally, she had their attention. "What is it?" Aro growled. Five very angry vampires stared at her with hungry eyes.

"Uh, dinner's ready-" She started.

"Later." Aro stated abruptly.

"But- you haven't eaten in a week! You haven't left that spot for a week, you're _starving_!" She waved a hand at his eyes.

"No."

"We want Jensen and Jared!" announced Sulpicia.

"Don't forget _Misha_!" added Athenodora, eyes glazed with more than the bizarre milky film that came from their age.

"So get out of the way, Heidi," Aro commanded, "Marcus, go put the next three hours of Supernatural on. The season ended in a cliffhanger and I _need to know what happened._"

"Right, okay," Heidi mumbled, eyes wide as she backed away. She clapped her hands. "Okay, tour, listen up!" The group of humans obediently came back over to her.

"We are all about to run for our lives and flee the country, okay? Me included."

Heidi quickly ushered them down the hall, up the staircase, through the entrance and down the street. For humans they moved amazingly fast, but it wasn't far enough. They still heard the roars. "She _broke_ our DVD!"

"What will we do?!"

"Jensen!"

"Jared!"

"_Missshhhhaa!"_

Of course, the humans didn't hear that part though. "Was that thunder?" they asked each other.

"Only if Thunder is a fan of Supernatural" Heidi muttered, "I have _so_ lost my job."

_Meow_

**Throws at Hannah **_**"make it pretty."**_

**:D**

**Edited by the wonderful Hannah of Oz, (hopexforxeternity)**

**Note from the editor: the reactions to Supernatural depicted here are me and Kat's general reactions to the show. ;) **

**Kat: Hope you liked this chapter. Please review; I love all your reviews! They make me happy. :D **

**And if you have any thoughts, (favourite TV shows/Movies that I could include in this story, maybe?) fell free to mention them too! **

**Thanks for reading!**


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